my heart skipped a beat

today I was painfully reminded of you.

There was a senior rally today at school. Let's just say it was the most awkward one yet. We had some booty-shaking senior girls who can't control themselves and then we had a few more musical numbers. I'm guessing we are a high school musical now? Don't get me wrong, the two singing performances were cute… Following the numbers we were forced to watch 10 minutes worth of other people's memories. Some good and some so random. I honestly think that memories should be shared with the people you were with than share them with the entire population of the school; that's just my opinion. Anyways, towards the end there was a slide title. Since we were sitting on the other side of the seniors, the pictures and the signs were all backwards. This particular sign caught my eye even though I couldn't really read let alone understand them. It was the "people who will be in our hearts forever" type slide.

Your picture showed up. My heart skipped a beat. The air suddenly felt really thick and my breathing started becoming uneven...you were supposed to graduate this year. For the next few seconds, I couldn't breathe. I was being reminded that my best friend couldn't graduate because cancer got the best of her.

At that moment, I wanted to cry, I was about to break a freaking dam with my tears. I get through the days when I'm not reminded that that my best friend is not here with us. I get through the days when I pretend that I'm happy and life is hunky-dory. But today I was reminded. (I'm trying to so hard to not tear up while writing this.)

As you could tell, I stayed sad for a little while. I had pity. For me. For you. I saw some friends that I hadn't seen in a while and enjoyed seeing their lovely faces. But it just wasn't right. When I think of you, I get into this daze, like I'm not mentally there. Not hard to explain.

It's been over a year since I last saw you. A year since you said your last words to me. A year since you agreed that you would always be with me. It's been a year since I stopped hurting myself over your death. It’s been a year since I stopped blaming myself over your death- how I couldn’t save you.

I know you are in a better place, a place with God. But darn it, I want you here. WE want you here. I know I say I'll see you someday...I want that day ASAP...but that's selfish of me. I will always see you. Of course, you're right in front of me. Watching me as I make mistakes, watching me as I cry over boys, watching me receive good & bad grades, watching me question my life constantly.

I was asked to write some words in the yearbook for you. I decided I had written what I wanted to say in the yearbook last year. And that is...

Not a day goes by when I don't think about you. I miss you, best friend. Sister.

There's a peace I've come to know
Though my heart and flesh may fail
There's an anchor for my soul
I can say "It is well" - Chris Tomlin